Tips for writing your own wedding vows

Three main things to consider

1. Is it ok with the Officiate that is to marry you?

Certain religions require that you use their traditional vows, others are happy for you to put in some of your own. The best way to be sure is to ask.

1. Is it something you have decided together with your partner and are both happy and confident with?

If you have decided to say your own wedding vows make sure that they reflect perfectly what you want to say and are a true picture of who you both are. Sincerity is all important and this will be conveyed to all listening, it is sincerity that adds the depth, meaning and emotion to your vows. If you read your vows and do not recognise yourselves in them do not use them, they will be awkward to say and you will not feel happy and confident and they will fall flat. You should read the vows you have written and feel happy and excited about sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world and your spouse, making the occasion special for everyone and remembered by everyone.

If your spouse does not want to say their own vows it is important to remember that some people are terrified of the wedding day, not because they do not want to marry, but purely because they do not like to be in the spotlight, having an added worry of saying their own vows publicly can be very nerve wracking. Some people are more private about their feelings and this is ok, it does not mean they love you less it just is part of their makeup that makes them unique, remember they chose you to be a part of their private world, which makes you unique too! This should not stop you saying your own vows if you want to, remember your spouse loves you for being you, the same as you love them for being them and if this is what you want, go for it!

1. If you are to say your own vows are you going to write them together or separately.

• You now need to decide how you are going to write your vows. If you are both to write them together you will be able to make sure they complement each other’s and do not clash or upset each other by saying something one of you is not happy with. Light humour is good and can capture the personal essence of a relationship, but humiliation in the name of humour is deep and meaningful for all the wrong reasons, doing them together can ensure this does not happen.
• If you are to write your vows separately it may help if you decide on the tone of the vows together, you may prefer deep, sentimental, humorous or a bit of it all. If you want to make sure you do not share with the world something that your spouse does not want to share, the best thing to do is to sit together and write a list of all the things you do not want to include, that should leave behind all the lovely things you can include. Having this conversation can also bring up things you may have forgotten and give you extra content to consider, it may also bring up things you want to forget so just agree you have moved on as a couple and agree it is not going in the vows!!!
• If you have decided to surprise your future spouse with your own vows the important thing is to think how they may feel. You may want to tell the world you find it adorable and love the way your partner goes red whenever it is mentioned that they wet the bed as a child, but think about it, if they go red with you, they will sweat and burn in public. As the saying goes, ‘if in doubt leave it out’.

How to begin writing your vows:

The first thing I would say is to free write anything and everything that comes into your head about your partner, your relationship, your life together, your dreams for the future, your likes, your dislikes, things you have done together, things that drive you mad, things that make you excited about them, things that make you laugh, just write and write, it doesn’t have to be sentences it can just be words, it doesn’t have to make sense, if it pops into your head write it.

Here is a small made up sample:

Motorbikes, holidays, sunburn, tickling, macho, smokes a lot, dog hairs, singing out of tune, children laughing, music, hairy, gardening, secrets, hard times financially, safe, dramatic, loves our children

If we look at these words we can see that this is a ‘mans man’ he loves his dog which may drive our client mad because of the dog hairs everywhere, but it also shows a gentle side to him that extends to how he treats his partner and their children. He is very entertaining and makes a drama out of everything much to the children’s delight who particularly love the way he sings out of tune. Even though they had been through some difficult times financially, his consistent support and strength makes them all feel safe and lessens the worries. He is very hairy and this may be a sensitive issue for him even though our client loves him and has no concerns about this.

Below are a few lines that we came up with to illustrate this picture of the spouse and as you will see we have not included everything, but have used the information to capture the essence of the man and of the relationship.

I love you for every sunny day you make and share with me

Everyday you make us feel safe in our world of laughter and singing

I love you for the drama, romantic in our lives

Everyday I want to wake up and be with you, our children and the dog

Everyday your beautiful strength and presence is exciting and brings us joy

I love you for the love you give freely to us all

I love our life together and with this ring I take you for my husband

Everyday, from now until I breathe my last breath I will be your wife

This is a small version of vows, they can be long or as short as you like and some people like to finish off by saying traditional marriage vows.