Best Man Speech – Matt told us, “It was great, I didn’t want to sit down, I am thinking of becoming an actor to not let my new talent for delivering lines go to waste, I never thought I could do it. Thank you.

 

Lee always said I would be his best man, so am going to try my hardest to make him proud....will someone pass Lee a tissue....

I did ask if there was something more important that I could do, but decided the bridesmaids dresses weren’t my colour.... however I must say the reserves have done a good job and Emma and Emma look stunning......

On behalf of the two Emma’s and myself, I would like to thank the happy couple for our lovely pressies....cufflinks and earrings....pure class....

It’s been a great day and each and every one of you has made it possible.... sometimes joining two families together in holy matrimony can cause a holy war.....

Luckily both Hayley and Lee have families with great senses of humour.... as well as being genuinely nice people and everyone gets on fine....

I am going to tell you a bit about two friends.... Lee and Matt ......Lee and I tried to grow up together ....our mums say trouble is our second name and that trying to split us up would be like splitting the atom...

 

Hayley if this speech causes an explosion.....it’s your fault.....

 

My first memory of Lee was at the urinals in primary school....

 

Lee has always been small and I have always been big .....

 

Lee couldn’t quite reach the urinals and in a moment of madness I hoisted him up........ we fell and he peed all over us both.......I remember saying to him ‘Am gona kill ya.. ya little squirt’........

 

So began our crude version of ‘wee sport’......this game drove our mums mad.....the game was to see who could wee on the other at the urinals and then leg it off.....I was the best shot........being bigger......

 

the other kids called us names... I won’t tell you mine....it’s not my day.......today is Weewee Lee’s day

 

Lee used to like sitting in his dads car.... pretending to drive it........one day I suggested we took it for a drive and though Lee didn’t want to.... being a mate and smaller than me he agreed .........

 

Joyriding in a Skoda........ we even managed to get up to speeds of 4 miles an hour.......as usual we argued and as we backed out the drive we nearly ran over an off duty copper.......

 

The copper laughed and said that he was letting us off due to the embarrassment it would cause the village..........he said it wouldn’t read well saying Merseyside police had stopped a stolen Skoda and two youths had got out....in his words.... “yobs have to have some street cred to make the police look good.”...

 

he also said it would be less embarrassing to say two youths had got out of a sheep.......we didn’t know what he meant and spent ages asking people if they had ever driven a sheep...

 

Lee said I always messed everything up and he would never get in his dads car again..... he never said anything about sheep

 

Lee has always been good at revenge and he has topped it this time by marrying Hayley..... the first time we saw Hayley we both fancied her like mad.......Lee won

 

Lee has found a soul mate with Hayley as they both like ruining my fun.......and though I hate to admit it with Hayley as an ally Lee is finally competition.....the last date I had was gorgeous and butterflies filled the place my beer should have been....

 

I decided to take her to a posh restaurant.......when I pulled out my card to pay at the end of the night it had been replaced by a card with a photo of Hayley and Lee smiling at me......luckily Joanne my date was in on it and is here today......

 

Public humiliation runs deep so if you could all reach under your seats and get hold of the photo there of Lee.... as only I have seen him before...........experimenting with his hair he fancied himself as a Sex Pistol and ended up looking like the son of a parrot......

 

And finally I have some cards and telegrams to read out.........my favourite was a postcard from Hayleys Auntie Margaret in rainy Wales.....

she says... Wish you were here.......

apparently Auntie Margaret hates weddings.....but I think we should throw in an extra toast to Auntie Margaret and her great sense of humour.......so Ladies and Gentleman, to Auntie Margaret....

Wish you were here....

(more cards and messages)

I was told that the best man is supposed to offer some advice to the groom..... I know I laughed too!

 

Lee  I knew I had lost you earlier at the urinals.....you looked at me.....I looked at you....you didn’t respond....the game was over.....

 

Weewee Lee has grown up.....

 

The only advice I can give is to say.... Lee carry on being you..... you’re something special mate...

 

Hayley ...... I am really happy you and Lee found each other.... you are cooler than him and I am hoping this might rub off.....   In every other way you are perfectly matched, perfectly funny and a perfect team ....the best woman won....

 

Will someone pass me a tissue.....?

Ladies and Gentlemen if you would all please stand and join the bridesmaids Emma and Emma and myself in a toast to the perfect couple....

 

Hayley and Lee, the bride and groom.